Animorphs VS Harry Potter
by Eveilae
Summary: COMPLETED. Sequel to Animorphs VS LOTR. And for those you can't take a joke, don't read this. I never thought i'd get people defending the characters. No one got this defensive over the LOTR characters!
1. Meet the People

Characters::  
  
HP::  
  
Harry Potter  
  
Ron Weasley  
  
Hermione Granger  
  
Ginny Weasley  
  
Fred Weasley  
  
George Weasley  
  
!!Sirius Black!!  
  
Tonks  
  
Draco Malfoy  
  
Luna Lovegood  
  
Neville Longbottom  
  
Animorphs::  
  
Rachel  
  
Tobias  
  
Jake~  
  
Cassie~  
  
David  
  
Marco  
  
Ax  
  
Elfangor  
  
Others::  
  
Talia  
  
James  
  
Empowerment Wicca Guards  
  
JK Rowling*~  
  
Laura*~  
  
----  
  
Narrator:: Hello!  
  
Everyone:: *BLINK*  
  
James:: Hey! I have a cool name!!!!  
  
Narrator:: Yes, you do.  
  
Rachel:: Awww, man! What am I doing back here????  
  
Tobias:: {Yeah, seriously! I hate this Gwen-}  
  
Narrator:: I have a different name now..  
  
Tobias:: {So? I still hate you.}  
  
Marco:: {Me too!}  
  
Talia:: I'm Talia- wait. Why are your quotes in '{}'s when you're human??  
  
Marco:: {Uhhhh.} I mean..UHHHHHHHHH?  
  
Talia:: INTRUDER!!!!!!  
  
Empowerment Wicca Guards:: AH HA! This is Visser Three/One!!!! DIE!!!  
  
Marco/Visser Three/Visser One:: AHHHHHH! I'm melting, melting!!!  
  
Empowerment Wicca Guards:: MAHA!!!!  
  
Harry Pothead:: Hi, I'm- hey you spelled my soddin' name wrong! I am friggin FAMOUS you know!!!!!!!!  
  
Talia:: Yeah..I know, I know..But you're in my world now. And I call you Harry Pothead. So boo hoo for you! Hey that rhymes!  
  
Ronald Weasle:: Well- HEY! I'm not famous, but I think my name-  
  
Talia:: NO.  
  
Ron:: Okay.  
  
Hermione Granger::Well-Hey, why not insult me?  
  
Talia:: Because my friend's last name is Granger. Plus Hermione is a strange and mysterious name! So it's too cool to insult.  
  
Hermione:: HAHA!!!!!!!!!  
  
Sirius Black:: Aren't I dead?  
  
Talia:: NOOOOO!!!! You are the best in the entire world so you are not dead so hahahahahahhah! LIVE ON!!!! FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Harry:: Why isn't my dad here?? He's dead too!  
  
Talia:: 'Cos your dad is a pothead hash smoker who didn't smoke pot or hash but sucked because he was mean to Severus Snape who isn't very nice anyway, but still. And I know Sirius did too, but Sirius is too cool!!!  
  
Harry: *BLINK BLINK*  
  
Luna Lovegood:: Hey!  
  
Talia:: Oh my gosh! You are my second favorite character in HP! You are the coolest!!!  
  
Harry:: I think I'm wrong but might as well try...Am I your 1st favorite?  
  
Talia:: EWWWWWW! No way! You called her Loony. You. Are. An. Ass. So hahahahhahahahahhahahahahahaha! She's too cool for you. And PS...Cho is gay. So you two deserve each other.  
  
POOF!  
  
JK Rowling:: ARG! I am here to battle you, Talia!  
  
Talia:: HEY! HOW DID YOU GET HERE?! EWG!!!  
  
EWG:: We're stuck!!!!  
  
JK Rowling:: I am an author too, Talia! I have my own mysterious powers! *shows portable phone*  
  
Talia:: Your PHONE is your power source?!  
  
JK Rowling:: Well, yeah. But my phone cost ten million dollars! Plus tax!!  
  
Talia:: Oh. Uh, whoa?  
  
JK Rowling:: Anyway. I am here for one reason, and one reason only.  
  
Harry: To save us, right?  
  
Rowling:: No way! I am here to tell Talia to tell her friend to take away all her charges. She is suing me for breaking her broom.  
  
Everyone:: *GASP*  
  
Rowling:: $ 300 for a broom?!?!?! No WAY!!!!  
  
Talia:: Well, people, in case you are interested in visiting this site of wonder [it has to be a wonder because Rowling gets insulted-]  
  
Rowling:: HEY!!!!!! The girl LIKES HP!!!!  
  
Talia:: No, she likes Fluffy. Anyway, its:  
  
Rowling:: Hey! Let's battle!!!!  
  
POOF!  
  
Laura:: Hey. What's new. Hi Rowling. Where's my 300?  
  
Rowling:: I'm not going to pay you!!!  
  
Laura:: Talia will unlease her author-like powers on you!  
  
Talia:: ME?! You have author powers too!!!  
  
Laura:: So?  
  
Talia:: So?! Protect YOURSELF!!!  
  
Laura:: Nah. I'm your mother.  
  
Talia:: Grrrr.  
  
Rowling:: Well, COME ON!!! Let's begin!  
  
Talia:: FINE!! You want to fight?!?!?!? *unleases powerful Jon Bon Jovi Stick power*  
  
Rowling:: OW! OW!  
  
Harry:: Should we help her?  
  
Ron, Hermione, Sirius, Luna:: Nah.  
  
POOF!  
  
POOF!  
  
POOF!  
  
POOF!  
  
POOF!  
  
Poof?  
  
NO! *HISS!*  
  
SORRY! POOF!  
  
THANKYOU!  
  
SORRY!  
  
Ron:: Ginny!  
  
Hermione:: Fred! George!  
  
Sirius:: Tonks!  
  
Harry:: Hissssss!!! DRACO!  
  
Luna:: Hi, Neville.  
  
Neville:: Hi Luna.  
  
Luna:: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH?  
  
Neville:: YAY! Another speaker of the blablhablahablh language! BLAHNESS BLAH BLAHHALB!  
  
Luna:: BLAHITY BLAH!!!!!  
  
Neville:: BLAH BLAHYA!!!  
  
Harry:: What are you guys saying?  
  
Neville:: Planing your murder-I mean, talking about the weather.  
  
Harry:: Oh okay. Because if you were planning on killing me you would tell me, right?  
  
Luna: RIGHT!  
  
Harry: YAY!  
  
Ron:: Harry, how am I friends with you?!  
  
Harry:: Huh?  
  
Ron:: You are really un-cool. Ewwww.bye.  
  
Draco:: Come on, Ron! Let's go kill some donkeys!  
  
Talia:: *slomo* N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!-!-!-!-!!!!!!!  
  
Draco:: Sorry. Come on, Ron! Let's go kill some rocks!  
  
Talia:: Okay, good. Don't go too far!  
  
Ron and Draco:: We won't! *skip away*  
  
Harry:: Am I dead, or did Ron just ditch me for DRACO?!  
  
Fred and George:: Yo!!!! Ron, Draco! WAIT FOR US!!! *run after*  
  
Harry:: Jesus fuck.... I'm now legally scared.  
  
Talia:: Good. It's about to get worse.  
  
Harry:: Great.  
  
Rachel:: How come the HP people are taking over this story? I deserve a line too!  
  
Tobias:: {YEAH!}  
  
Jake:: Hey guys. I am totally sane now. I'm taking my meds and everthing. At first I thought it was a government conspiracy, but now I have seen the error in my ways.  
  
POOF!  
  
Giant Man-Eating Turtle:: ROAR! *run towards Jake*  
  
Jake:: See? I now know that that Giant Man-Eating Turtle is just a figament of my imagination!  
  
GMET:: *gobble*  
  
Jake:: Or not.  
  
Cassie:: How come Jake and I always get ourselves get rid of? Do you not like us?  
  
Talia:: Yeah, that's about it. And plus you're fun to make fun of.  
  
Cassie:: Can I just retreat peacefully?  
  
Talia:: Fine..but you have to do the Macarena..  
  
Cassie:: WHAT?!  
  
Talia:: You heard me.  
  
Cassie: FINE! *does Macarena*  
  
Talia:: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Okay, thanks.  
  
POOF!  
  
David:: Hi Ax.  
  
Ax:: {H-}  
  
POOF!  
  
Elfangor:: ..so then I tell the stupid little kids that they can save their planet and they little shits b- HEY! Where am I?!  
  
Rachel:: We are SO not little shits!  
  
Tobias:: {That's for the self esteem raiser upper, Dad.}  
  
Ax:: {Yeah, I know. Seriously. You have always been a dope, Fang.}  
  
Elfangor:: {Dude! You weren't supposed to ever call me that in public!!!!!}  
  
Talia:: FANG?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHA!  
  
James:: I can fllllly!!!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! *jumps off Grand Canyon*  
  
Marco:: *looks down* Dude. That wasn't smart.  
  
Talia:: Yeah. Quite right.  
  
Laura:: JK is still on the floor. Can I pOOF her away?  
  
Talia:: Yeah, thanks mom!  
  
POOF!  
  
Laura:: I've got to go organize my boyfriends and husbands! See ya!!!  
  
POOF!  
  
Talia:: Well AHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
POOF!  
  
POOF!  
  
Talia: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 


	2. Reagan Takes Over

Characters::  
  
HP::  
  
Harry Potter  
  
Ron Weasley  
  
Hermione Granger  
  
Ginny Weasley  
  
Fred Weasley  
  
George Weasley  
  
!!Sirius Black!!  
  
Tonks  
  
Draco Malfoy  
  
Luna Lovegood  
  
Neville Longbottom  
  
Animorphs::  
  
Rachel  
  
Tobias  
  
David  
  
Marco  
  
Ax  
  
Elfangor  
  
Others::  
  
Talia  
  
James  
  
Empowerment Wicca Guards  
  
A/n:: Just for all those people who are mad because I am making fun of HP.well guess what! That's the point! Just cos I make fun of Animorphs, doesn't mean I don't like it!! Animorphs is-well was- my favorite series. HP isn't, but it doesn't STINK....well..HP I think does, but that's besides the point. And if your mad because you're offended I'm making fun of FICTIONAL characters [keyword:: fictional] then don't read it! Well, I appreciate you guys sending me those reviews, so now I know that people can actually be offended for insulting a fake character  
  
A/n part 2: By the way, I spelled Harry Potter than way ON PURPOSE! Not because I can't spell..durrrrrp..  
  
A/n part 3:: Uh, sorry but Jake and Cassie have never been my fav character, so I just make most of the characters that I don't like very much. They'll be back though...They'l be back..MAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! *snort*  
  
Talia:: AHHHHHHHHHH! It's...it's...uh...uh...uh...REAGAN!!!!!!!! MOMMY HELP ME!!! OH MY GOD MOMMY!!!!!!  
  
Everyone:: *gape* Oh no! Talia is SCARED?!?!?!? Something evil must be happening!  
  
Rachel:: Wait..Reagan? FAMILIAR!!!  
  
Tonks:: Uh..Regal???  
  
Rachel:: NOOOO!  
  
Herimone:: No! Reagan...oh no!!!!!  
  
Marco:: What, what?!?!?!  
  
Tobias:: Yeah! What?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Hermione:: Reagan..  
  
Rachel:: Is...  
  
HP:: THE POSSESSED EVIL GIRL FROM THE EXCORSIST[sp?]!!!!!!!!!!  
  
David:: Noooo..nooooooo...I'm SCARED of that movie!!! WHY WHY WHY?!?!?!?!?!!??! *sobs*  
  
Tobias, Talia, Rachel, Marco, Hermione, HP, and David:: *sob hysterically*  
  
Reagan:: **** me! **** me Jesus!!!  
  
Talia:: NOOOOOOOO! I will NOT allow that bullshit on MY fanfiction!!!! NEVER!!!!! D-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-IE!!!!!!!  
  
Reagan:: Maha...  
  
Talia:: *shoots peanuts full of knives at Reagan*  
  
Reagan:: *laughs as the peanut turn into flying shoes with sharp teeth*  
  
Talia:: No!!! Everyone HIDE in the tent!!!  
  
Rachel:: What tent?  
  
POOF!  
  
Talia:: That tent!  
  
Everyone:: *goes into tent*  
  
Ron:: HEY! This is my DAD's TENT!!! HEY!!!  
  
Talia:: Wanna die at the hands of a possessed girl or get into your dad's BORROWED tent?!  
  
Ron:: Uh.go in!  
  
James:: I will help you Talia!  
  
Talia:: Thank you James!!!  
  
Reagan:: *melts James*  
  
Talia:: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  
  
Reagan:: HAHA..what will you do NOW?!?! *cackle*  
  
Talia:: *groans*  
  
Reagan:: Now I can say whatever I wish! I can curse and teach little childs about the DEEEEEVIL!!! Maha.  
  
Talia:: NOOOOO! I have to maintain the PG level!!!!! I MUST!!!!  
  
Reagan:: Well, I cursed so you HAVE to raise it!!! MAHA!!!  
  
Talia:: NO! I used my powers to BLOCK it!!! Hahahahahahahhaha!!!!!  
  
Reagan:: Not for long!!!  
  
POOF!  
  
POOF!  
  
Sirius:: *peeks out* The possessed girl is GONE!  
  
Marco:: *peeks too* And so is TALIA! YAY  
  
EWG:: I wouldn't be so happy is I were you. Without Talia, this fanfiction will cease to exist and you will disappear.  
  
Tobias:: {YAY! We can go HOME!!!}  
  
EWG:: No. Not home. Instead you will lurk in the land of forgotten fics. You will learn to live with Bonnie, Talia's Ani-sister fanfiction. That one didn't get any far either. In fact, NONE of her stories are finished...Except for two...yeah, two...  
  
Neville:: Are you telling me we shall NEVER go home?!  
  
EWG:: Only if you can find another author to replace Talia...and then save her!  
  
Luna:: Why don't we just lurk HERE instead?  
  
EWG:: You will not last long..see it's is already getting dark.  
  
Ax:: {Yes, it is!!!}  
  
Elfangor:: { wait! If Talia isn't here, then how is this fan-}  
  
EWG:: STOP! We feel the end coming! Prepare yourselves!  
  
Fred:: I need to take a wee!  
  
George:: Me-  
  
Everyone:: *disappears*  
  
EVERYWHERE TURNS DARKFROM FAR FAR FAR AWAYYOU HEAR A SCREAM VIBRATING THROUGH THE SCREEN OF YOUR COMPUTERTHEN- 


	3. The People Fight Back

A/n:: Hey! Now you people don't have to see that character thing anymore!!! It's on my own compy, hee! Okay..anyway. If you need the list for any strange demented reason, just emale or send a review or IM me..whatever..  
  
By the way, Mickey is a real live person and she is funky for letting me use her! Yay to her! She's under my fav Authors if you care to look.  
  
Mickey:: What do I say?  
  
EWG:: Anything. The more you write, the more people appear.  
  
Mickey:: Okay, cool! Can I make Frodo appear? He's cool! O.O  
  
EWG:: No. Just Talia's characters.  
  
Mickey:: -.-;  
  
EWG:: Forgive us. *sad faces*  
  
Mickey:: Okay!  
  
EWG:: *happy again*  
  
POOF!  
  
HP:: Hey did it work?  
  
POOF!  
  
Ron:: YAY! It worked!!  
  
POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF!  
  
Tonks:: YAY!!!!  
  
Neville:: Oh yea! *does dance*  
  
Luna:: *waves little handmade 'Go Talia' flag*  
  
Sirius:: It worked?! Damn!  
  
Draco:: Yeah, you heard them. Hand over the money.  
  
Sirius:: Come on! You're rich, I'm dead. Who needs this money more?  
  
Draco:: You just proved yourself WRONG. If I'm ALIVE I'll need it more. I mean, come on there can't be money in heaven  
  
Sirius:: *mutter* Says you. . .  
  
POOF! POOF! POOF!  
  
George:: Hey! My tea disappeared!  
  
Fred:: Yeah! We were having tea with some girl called Slash in some story. She was cute.  
  
George:: Look, Fred. I saw her first!  
  
Fred:: Did not!  
  
George:: Did too!  
  
Ginny:: Oh my god! Grow UP!  
  
George N Fred:: *blink blink*  
  
HP:: Hey! Where are all those crazy people and Herimone?!  
  
POOF! x10  
  
Rachel:: Jeez! Cassie! We NEED your help!!  
  
Marco:: Yea, Jake! What Rachel said except to you!  
  
Tobias:: {Hey, who's the author who is writing this? Now that Talia has been taken away?}  
  
Mickey:: Talia has used the last of her author powers left to have a link with me. I write what she wished.  
  
David:: Durn! I was hoping on having a NEW author!  
  
Mickey:: Talia wishes to tell you that she didn't like that statement.  
  
David:: Well, I wish to tell HER that I don't like her!! SO THERE!  
  
Mickey and EWG:: GASP!  
  
David:: Well, I don't-  
  
Mickey:: AH! She's taking over!!  
  
Mickey possessed by Talia:: Okay David! That's it!!!! *flames from finger tips*  
  
David:: ahhh! Ahhhhh! MOMMY!!!!  
  
Marco:: You're mom's evil.  
  
Rachel:: No she's not. Yeerk invasion is over. Duh, Marco.  
  
Marco:: Oh. Yeah.  
  
Ax:: {David seemed to be burnt. Burned. Whatever. I think he's toast. As in burned to a crisp. Haha. I seemed to have-}  
  
Elfangor:: {Well, sorry, BRO. That was the worst joke I've ever heard. HAHA! Now that was a funny joke!}  
  
Ax:: {You have angered me! Suffer as I show you my hooves of death! Why do you think they all me Axmilli the Military commandor?!?!}  
  
Elfangor:: {Hey! Why didn't I ever get a dweebish name?! Darn!}  
  
Ax:: {It's NOT a dweeb name! You're always SO mean to me. I'm telling mom! She said it was a wonderful name! Loser!!!}  
  
Elfangor:: {I'm terribly hurt. . . . . . . . .turd. . . . . . . . . . }  
  
Mickey possessed by Talia:: Shut up! You others must help defeat Regan-  
  
Ron:: I thought it was spelled R-e-a-g-a-n.  
  
Mickey possessed by Talia:: Sorry! I made a mistake. Jeez. Anyway. Defeat her and this will end. This arguments and those to come are sprouting out of the feelings that Reagan and her master have planted in you.  
  
Ax:: {Actually, my brother just doesn't like me.}  
  
Elfangor:: {Yeah.}  
  
Mickey:: *blink* Well, she says you guys are stupid. She ended the possession thing cos she got so pissed at you guys. Well, she says that there will be more fights. Not included Ax/Elfangor fights. Okay?  
  
Everyone else:: Alright.  
  
Hermione:: Harry, you are so annoying and stupid.  
  
HP:: WHAT?! Where did THAT come from?  
  
Hermione:: I just decided I'm sick of staying quiet. I think you're an idiot.  
  
HP:: Then why are you my friend?  
  
Hermione:: I don't know. Why AM I your friend?  
  
Ron:: Ditch him! I mean, I did. Draco here is a much better friend.  
  
Draco:: *grin*  
  
Harry:: Uh oh. Hey, I'm famous remember? Be my friend?  
  
Hermione:: UH lemme think. . . . . . . no. . . . . . . . . . .  
  
Neville:: God, these people are so immature, aren't they, Luna?  
  
Luna:: Hell ya! These ppl r so dum I cant beleve I eva hang out wit dem ppl.  
  
Neville:: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Reagan is spreading the evil ghetto dawg disease!!!!! RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!!!!  
  
Animorphs:: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Luna:: Hey dawg wear da hell you ppl goin ?  
  
Harry:: Stay away, daw- I mean, Luna! STAY AWAY!!!!!!  
  
Ron:: Oh no! RUN! I FEEL IT COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Draco:: No! Not Ron!!!!  
  
Ron:: Homie? Yo, man you dun being a rite dawg in da hood of ma gang's bang trabber, dawg.  
  
Fred N George:: Dang, it's getting worse.  
  
Ginny:: Uh oh.  
  
Fred:: Dang, it be really bad, dun it?  
  
George:: Hell ya dawg.  
  
Tonks:: AHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Sirius:: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Everyone non-diseased :: *Lock themselves into fridge*  
  
Draco:: I'm cold.  
  
Rachel:: Harry, that's my foot.  
  
Tobias::{Sirius, why are you chewing on my feathers?}  
  
Sirius:: Uhhhhhhhhhh. . . .  
  
David:: Let go of my pants! They're falling off, Neville!!!!  
  
Mickey:: Marco. I'm warning you. Stop trying to touch my boobs!  
  
EWG:: This is it then? We are trapped in a fridge.  
  
Ax:: {What? You expect us to actually go up to them and ask them to leave?}  
  
Elfangor:: {Seriously! I mean, they are ghetto! What is not scary in that phrase?}  
  
DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!  
  
To be continued. . . 


	4. The People Are Idiots

This story was never finished was it? AH HA!

I don't own Harry Potter, or Animorphs, or any of the anime characters named in this chapter. Or Animal Farm (by George Orville). Or Reagan from the Excorsist. The list goes on and on.

Well here is an attempt at closure. I don't know. I don't think I've in a very funny mode at the moment. TA DA, the last installment of the Animorphs VS. Harry Potter (non-chatroom style, sorry)

Oh, and the thoughtspeaking is in _italics_.

* * *

**So there they are. Stuck in a fridge. Tobias tries desperately to stop Sirius from becoming a cannibal (he's a human INSIDE, damn it!) but they both stop in their struggle once they hear the infected approaching.**

"**Doo u smell dem, babiigrrl?" It sounds like Ron, but his voice is so hideously distorted one can't be sure. **

"**I'm scared," Ginny whispers, wriggling closer to Harry in subtle attempt to get him to grop—um, I mean _hold_ her. Mickey nudges herself and whispers, "K+ rating, remember . . . "**

"**_Sorry . . . _"**

"**We need a _plan_," Marco whispers desperately to the remaining Animorphs. "And I know _exactly_ who will be able to help us!" He manages to take out his cell phone, somehow (it must be a mysterious Animorphs secret because after all they are in fridge.) **

"**Why are we even in a fridge!" Rachel whispers furiously, freezing her boot-ay (tee hee) off. **

"**You've got a nice boot-ay, Rachel, even if it's freezing." Rachel isn't sure who said that, Marco or Tobias. Either was it was odd . . . what did her boot-ay—buttocks have to do with _anything_!**

**Mickey seems to get possessed by Talia again. "We're in a fridge because the Anime Goddess wills it."**

"**SAY WHAT!"**

"**Dey b iin dere! I be heeriin voiicez iin dere!" Suddenly the door is roughly pulled open and all the fridge's inhabitant fall out. They land in very sloppy pile, and Ginny is very annoyed. She _knows_ Harry was just about to be seduc—to hug her! To comfort her! Innocent! OH SO VERY INNOCENT.**

**If Ginny's intentions were an animal it would a tiny little bunny. A tiny little bunny that isn't in heat. A tiny little bunny giving out candy to little children. In a very NICE way. See, innocence practically is spurting from Ginny's pores. Yup.**

"**Good job, Talia," Mickey congratulates.**

"**JAKE! THINK UP OF A PLAN TO SAVE US, DAMN IT!" Marco screams into the phone.**

"**Hmm . . . have you tried the offer-a-box-donuts approach?"**

"**I hate you, Jake. I really do."**

**Soft sobbing can be heard from the other line. "Marco! You've injured me! RIGHT HERE—in case you can't see me, I'm slapping myself in the general area of my heart—AND I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN EVER FORGIVE YOU!"**

"**Hey, did I tell you I think Cassie has the hots for you?"**

"**Really! Do you think so? Do you think I should maybe _try_ something? I mean, I don't know if I should. It could ruin my responsible image if I were to—"**

"**You were going to say _treat her to ice cream_ weren't you?" Mickey interrupts Jake before he can say something inappropriate for the eyes of children and bears with overly large aprons.**

"**Ice cream? No. I was going to say that if I were to sleep with—"**

"**With those power ranger PJs you have? No, I don't think Cassie would think any lower of you if you were to wear them. While you're sleeping in your own bed and she's sleeping a mile away in her own house."**

"**How do you know about those PJs! WHO TOLD YOU!"**

"**U bee mad wack, yo." Luna sneaks up behind them (although _technically_, they're still in that pile on the ground. At least they're warm.)**

"**AHHHHHHHH!" They all scream and run away, quite randomly. Although Ron has been standing next to them for the last ten minutes. Then again, Ron is _Ron_. Who in their right minds would be scared of _him_?**

**Maybe an ant. I mean, if I were an ant I would be scared of Ron. He's got big feet. He could practically be that wolf in the little red riding hood story, and he'll say, "The better to crush you to ground with, my dear."**

**Okay, scary thought.**

**Anyway, they're running. And then they run some more. And then they collapse in another heap. Back to square one but without the scary ghetto girl breathing down her neck.**

"**Do you have a plan or not, Jake?" Rachel screams into the phone. **

"**I don't know. What do ghetto people fear the most?"**

"**Hmmm . . . "**

"**Hmmmm . . . "**

"**Hmmmm . . . "**

"**I KNOW!" Tonks cries out suddenly. "We must try to think like one of them, and then we will know they greatest fear!"**

"**But how!" Harry cries, and would have fallen dismally onto his knees if he hadn't been lying on his face without someone else's knees dug into his back. "What if we delve too deeply into the inner ghetto we each hold inside ourselves? What if we can never return!"**

"**I weep, Harry! I WEEP!"**

**They all stare a Ginny, who had said the last thing. She starts weeping.**

**Tonks continues, ignoring the racking sobs coming from Ginny's side of the pile. "It is the only way! There is no other choice! We must decide. Do we keep on living his life of fear forever or do we face our fears and defeat the armies of Reagan?"**

**Mickey suddenly disappears and Talia POOFs into her place. "Hey guys." She pushes them off her and dusts the dirt off her clothes. "Well, good luck with the plan." She begins to walk away from them, off into the distance, into the sun, INTO HER DESTINY!**

**_WHERE ARE YOU GOING?_! Elfangor cries, desperately aching for a line in this chapter. _You can't leave us! You're our creator (not our owner. I am personally owned by a certain K.A. Applegate and Scholastics Inc—)_**

**_We _get_ it, dung for brains!_ Ax yells at his brother. He wants to get up. His stomach hurts. Oh, what he would do for a little bagel. You know, the green kind they only serve on St. Patrick's Day. Ooooh, if only humans still used a barter system. He wonders how many bagels he could get for his brother.**

"**You guys thought I was going to _help_ you!" She starts laughing hysterically, and falls on the ground, pounding the floor with a fist. "You guys are _good_. Whoa, I haven't laughed that hard since . . . we'll for a couple of hours. Since I say Shindou-kun go CHHHHEEEESSSSEEE-OOOOHHH!" Then she starts laughing even harder.**

"**You're such bitch, Talia." Draco pouts. Unfortunately Talia is wearing her Anti-Pout charm and the pout bounces of her and hits David in the face. **

"**Draacccooo," David drools and starts reaching out for him. "I loooovvveee you!"**

**Draco's face is a mask of horror (and some doubt . . . who knows, David looks like a good ki—friend. A good friend. Yes that's it. Innocent thoughts.)**

"**Go Talia!" She pumps her fist in the air and congratulates herself. "You've proved them all wrong! You're not a perv!"**

"**You've made David fall in love with Draco," Sirius says simply.**

"**Your point?" Talia raises an eyebrow and Sirius backs off (figuratively because they're all still in that pile).**

"**Nevermind. I love you."**

"**Good." With another POOF Talia is gone and Marco has made Jake cry again.**

"**So, are we going with Tonk's plan or not!" Neville demands, starting to get the slightest bit annoyed (with everyone else AND the fact he's barely in this chapter).**

"**FINE! God. If you're going to _whine_ about it," Harry almost pouts but Rachel smacks him before he can unleash the wrath of the pout again. Harry's head hits the dirt ground limply and Ginny gasps.**

"**You. Hurt. Harry! NO ONE DOES THAT! IT'S LIKE AN UNSPOKEN RULE! ANYONE WHO HURT THE OH SO VIRTUOUS HARRY SUFFERS IN THE END!" Ginny stops sobbing just to say that, then resumes. Everyone in turn continues to ignore her.**

"**Okay. Let's do it," Rachel says, wincing at the reference she just made to herself. She curses Talia for being a 'corndog' because every other word she would have used to describe Talia would have upped that carefully chosen K+ rating.**

**So they think and they think and they think and they think until they can think no more! Or at least until they get tired of David trying to grab Draco and of Ginny's hiccupping cries.**

"**I've got it, yo—I mean, I've got it!" Hermione cries. They've all gotten up (finally), so they crowd around her. "The thing ghetto people hate the most is . . . death metal!"**

**They shake their heads, and sigh in disappointment. "No, you see," Marco points out, "they're the offspring of Reagan and being the devil, she loves death metal. Anyone else have an idea?"**

"**What about . . . Animal Farm?" They all ponder for a little while. . . then decide otherwise. Animal Farm seems too tame to bring fear into the hearts of those terrifying creatures.**

**_I've got it!_ Tobias cries. _They fear anime the most! Or better yet, cute little chibified anime characters talking in their original Japanese!_**

"**But where will we get anime?" Hermione cries back, her arms wriggling comically. Talia giggles up in her seat in the sky. A chip misses her mouth and falls on Elfangor. **

**Bye, bye, Elfangor.**

"**Oops," she whispers, and POOF replaces him with a cardboard cutout of an anime character (Ichigo, if anyone's interested). No one notices.**

"**From God! Because he is a merciful lord!" Sirius starts singing like an angel (or just going Ahhhhhhhh, which describes it better).**

"**No! From Marlon Brando! He must be here somewhere!" They start walking, and they travel far and wide in search of Marlon Brando. Sometimes they feel they can hear him, reciting his old lines from Broadway, but he's always just out of their grasp.**

**_DAMN HIM!_ Tobias screams and flutters down to the ground—defeated. _We'll never find him!_**

"**Yes, we will, Tobias! We can't ever give up! Giving up is like admitting that ice cream isn't good and that Guns N' Roses doesn't kick ass!" Rachel holds him in her arms and they walk on.**

**Then they give up and just ask an afro on the ground.**

**The afro pauses in its silence to grunt at them.**

"**Do you have an anime with someone getting chibified in it or not, oh Great Afro!" Marco screams at it.**

"**I'm not an afro, damn it! I'm a person." They then realize the afro was attached to someone. They move on.**

**Then an angel, dressed in a blonde braided wig and a red coat with an alchemy sign on his back, hands them a DVD. "Take it and leave this side of the Internet ALONE!" (A MILLION POINT FOR WHOEVER CAN NAME THAT ANIME CHARACTER!)**

**And so they spend many sleepless nights getting back to where Luna, Ron, Fred and George are 'chillaxing.'**

**Suddenly the Empowerment Wicca Guards that have been with them the whole time take a portable TV and DVD player out of their pockets and Draco and David (who are now officially a couple) pop in the DVD.**

**As soon as the DVD starts playing, the infected are attracted by it. Rachel moans as she becomes infected as well. "Oohh, diis be lookiin mad good!"**

**And then one of the characters becomes chibified and says "Are you calling me short like a speck of dust you can't even see with a magnifying glass?" Then they all are no long infected by the ghetto disease.**

**YAY!**

**So they all go home. Because Talia decides she must continue writing her other fics or else the reviewers will get angry and start chewing on her arm. Which she needs for typing. And drawing. And holding her book as she reads.**

**But before they can all go home and Harry can defeat Voldemort, and Rachel can die, and Tobias can be angst-filled, and the Empowerment Wicca Guards can be empowering, Reagan appears once last time.**

"**THIS IS NOT THE LAST YOU'LL SEE OF ME, TALIA! MARK MY WORDS!" Then she turns into a little butterfly (not a Bleach reference) and flutters away. Talia throws a shoe at the butterfly and it hits the ground with a SMACK.**

**Ow.**

**Too bad the devil can't be killed by a shoe. So Talia throws a horse on it. Unfortunately, the devil wasn't killed that either.**

**And then a pillow doesn't kill it. Nor does a Build-A-Bear. Or a packet of M and Ms. **

**Damn it.**

**She really _will_ come back. Talia was hoping she was just trying to sound cool.**

**There should be a _law_.**

**FIN.**


End file.
